2017

2017 

Was it a good year for you?

I don’t know

I do not want to know either

I had my ups and downs

It’s been tiring,hurtful,nervous,disappointed and thrilling as well

It's always been like this for every year,no?

2017

was it a good year for you?

I’m not sure

some people that had meant to be really important to me left but some people stayed on by my side

You know

Not all people in your life are meant to stay

You’re like in a train,there’s always stops

Some will get down at this stop, some will get down at that stop

And this stop you’re at right now, 

someone just got down

And that’s when you’ve completely lost this person 

But sooner or later,

 somehow

 in a few more stops, someone might board the train

Because people come and go

So it’s not a big deal 

Learn to live with it

and accept the fact that when someone's gone

it's gone

so appreciate the person while he's still with you.

I’m really grateful for the people that stayed with me by my side during my worst

Thank you 

I really mean it

Because not everyone is obliged to be good to you.

I dare not say, don’t bring your 2017 problems with you to 2018.But what you can do , the really least thing, bring part of it with you. Learn, gain experience and accept the fact that gone’s gone. 

Things have been rough for me at some points in 2017

But I know 

Tougher and rougher things lies ahead 

So embrace it 

Accept the fact. 

And When you look back on 2017, 

don’t think of it as a year of pain but a year of growth.

 You made it through each day.

 You should be proud of yourself. 

You are a better you despite all the hardships. 

Take a deep breath 

and enter 2018 with hope and confidence.

Happy new year

Hope you have an eventful one.

-K-

Promise

PROMISE

[prom-is]

noun

1.

a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc., by one:

unkept political promises.

2.

an express assurance on which expectation is to be based:

promises that an enemy will not win.

3.

something that has the effect of an express assurance; indication of what may be expected.

We've made lots of promises in life. But how many did we really fulfill. 

I'd leave that for you to think about.

I'm not good at keeping promises.

I admit.

I'm a shitty 'promise keeper'

Well it depends what kind of promises that I've made though.

In the beginning of last year, I've promised my parents that I'll 

study hard and get good grades so that I won't waste their money for investing for my pre-u course ( CIE A levels)

I think i made it through AS but I didn't do that well in A2. (I fucked up Mathematics) and can't seem to meet any university's requirement for the pharmacy course that I've been wanting to study since high school.Well that's , an unkept promise. 

I've also promise my mother that I'll only start dating when I'm in college and here am I, sitting at the corner of my room, typing this whilst crying. That, ladies and gentlemen, another broken promise.

I've also made lots of promises in the past and none of them are being fulfilled. 

I've learnt a thing or two in the past.

Don't make promises of the future, don't make the 'I'll be with you forever promises.' 

That's why till this day I'd never like to talk about my future.

I think I've made more than enough mistakes this year and I would like to never repeat them in the future. 

well oh look , you've just made a promise HAHA.

-K-

I miss you like crazy.

It's been two days we stopped talking.

This is really killing me inside.

I feel horrible and pathetic.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I'm sorry.

I never regret being together with you.

It's one of the best thing I've done, if you ask me.

I always know that my parents are really strict and 

their mindset's super traditional and they'll never say

yes to a mixed race relationship.

Yet I still ..

agreed to this.

I thought I can or maybe I could change their mindset

about this because, come on,

It's 2017.

Mixed-race relationship's no longer an exotic

rarity but the new normal.

I was wrong. 

Really wrong.

I could never change their thinking.

When they found out about us,

They were beyond mad.

Especially my father.

He did nothing but yell at me.

And even swore to God that if any of us were caught having

a mixed race relationship,

he'll kick us out of the house.

I didn't really think much about it and act like this 

did not happen at all and still continue our relationship.

I was fucking stupid.

I should've know when to stop back then.

If I 

It's alright.

There's no such things as 'if'.

Things were fine, until that very one day when my mother 

ran through my phone, somewhere around September.

Again. 

She was fucking mad.

I tried telling her that we're really serious about it

and i hope we can really be together.

She just called me a childish, immature kid.

I do not know what to say.

we (mother and i) stopped talking for a few days.

I really can't take this anymore and i told her we're no longer

a thing.

Two days ago

I guess I made myself quite clear to him.

And

Now I'm writing this.

I do not know you'll even read this or not because

after what i've done to you ,

is really hurtful.

And I don't think we can ever be friends anymore.

I just want to say

Thank you.

for once loving me,

for accepting all my flaws,

saved me from my chaos.

Take care. 

I'm sorry for giving you such painful memories, 

instead of the happy ones.

I sincerely wish you all the best in life and

get a girl who deserves you.

-K-

To the guy that left me hanging

To the guy who left me hanging, 

You are nothing but garbage to me. I waited before, but you left me hanging. The love we shared was like nothing I have ever experienced and I am so grateful for every day that we spent growing together. And I will admit, the heartbreak you caused me was enough to nearly kill me.

There were days when I would have given anything to see your name pop up on my phone. Months later of nothing from you, no text, no call I removed the heart next to your name. I cried, I will admit that tears rolled down as my cheeks as I read our old text conversation. I'll admit that I choked back tears when someone asked me how you were and my only acceptable response was "I'm not sure" and after days and months of waking up to a message from you and only closing my eyes after proper goodnights had been said, that I did not know how you were. 

After you left, my bed was one of my friend. I did things that I regretted, and became things I was not. I'll admit I was stunned at first, angry, even, because  no answer is not the answer anyone is looking for when the person they love leaves them, but sometimes it is all we are given and that is why I thank you. So I woke up and decided to live. 

Thank you. Thank you for destroying me, for breaking me apart until the very last piece of me. Because you ruined me, I learned to repair myself. I learned that open wounds were not acceptable in this world so I heal myself. I truly believe that the best version of myself was hiding under a blanket of heartbreak and I can only thank you so many times for finally letting go of my hand and letting me walk on my own.  

I will never forget to be the best version of myself I can be. I will remember to make myself happy before anyone else, because of you I am finally at peace. 

Moving on

If you see your ex with someone else, then be happy for them. Your ex did what an ex was supposed to do, which was to find happiness again. Did you expect your ex to always occasionally tell you that they miss you and they'd like to try again with you? Did you expect your ex to not be able to ever get over you? Did you expect your ex to always be ready and available for you when you feel like it's the right time to get back together? What you had with your ex was something beautiful and tragic, but it was an experience that helped you both grow and it's something that your ex will carry on to the next relationship to ensure that it has a better chance of working out this time around. Your ex will take everything that happened with you, learn from it, and live by those lessons in the new relationship so that some mistakes won't be repeated and some things will be avoided. Just because your ex found happiness before you did, doesn't mean you should hate them for it. You shouldn't be feeling any bitterness towards your ex for finding someone new and you shouldn't think of it as being replaced. It's you that has to come to terms with the fact that it was amazing while it lasted and unfortunately, it's ran its course. It's you that has to accept that your ex has now outgrown you and found someone who's better for them. It's you that has to understand that if you loved your ex at all, you'd know that this is for the best and your ex is better off without you. You're allowed to think about your ex, you're allowed to miss your ex from time to time, and you're allowed to care for your ex, but you're not allowed to stand in the way of their new relationship and hold them back from being happy. Just be thankful that you were even with them, be happy for them, and move on.

I understand this very well as I'm not jealous nor upset when my ex moved on.

I believed everyone deserves to have their own happiness that they desire.